Building Our Character Over Our Passports

When you look around at people who have settled down, there are two ways to view the choice they've made. You could say they "sold out" and gave up on their dreams of living an adventure. Certainly that's probably true for some. But you could also choose to see something different: humility. You could see people who surrendered what they wanted to do and started seeing their lives as an offering for the other. For some it means they finally stopped chasing a lifestyle that made them look like the hero and just started acting like one. They sacrificed what they wanted for what they could become, and they did so gladly. 

I was recently presented the opportunity to take a three-week trip to New Zealand. This trip would consist of backpacking, bungee jumping, cliff diving, and exploring a beautiful beautiful island.  Traveling to New Zealand has been at the top of my bucket list for many years. I have mapped out the country, had computer backgrounds of it, and even “pretend” booked flights there. There is something that excites me about that country, maybe it’s the thrill of adventure or the scenery, or maybe it’s just that it is on the completely opposite side of the world from me. It’s unknown, it’s mysterious, and the thought of treading my footsteps on its soil is utterly and completely enticing. I thirst for this kind of adventure.

But I said no.

Up until about a year ago, I wouldn’t of had one small reservation about going on that trip.  Not one hesitation. But I’ve changed how I see the world, and my life, and my purpose since then.  I’ve come to a place in life where I am beginning to operate based out of a value-system, rather than a “this is what Ali wants” system. I’m beginning to see that I need to start making decisions that support the values I want in my life, not necessarily the ones I’m functioning out of now.

I spent a significant amount of my time in college running around the world. Whether is was out to different states out West, across the world to Uganda, or weekend trips just to get away from home. It was always about the next adventure, the next thrill—something to remind my spirit that I was free to roam and that nothing could hold me back. While the unforgettable experiences I had and the amazing people I’ve met and become friends with is something I’d never take back, I did all of this on my own.  When I would come home from these “adventures”, no one could fully understand who I had become because of where I’d been. I didn’t share it with anyone walking close to me in life.  I had great friends who would listen to me for hours on end as I rehashed every detail of every picture, they didn’t understand me like I wanted them too. I thought that I was getting the best of both worlds whenever I left home and that nothing would change. But I was wrong. I missed out. I missed out of friends’ weddings, potential relationships, and family events. I sacrificed family and friendships all to fill this longing to be free and independent, and without ties.

After spending four months in Uganda doing my senior social work internship, I realized that my “seeking adventure” was not much more than listening to a heap of lies. Lies that I had to experience everything in my youth. I had to do as much as possible to gain “wisdom” and “report” with people. I needed to travel and experience the most as possible because staying home wasn’t “good enough”. And “ordinary people” didn’t just stay around home. But when I built relationships with people in the Kisoga village, I found that the majority of those villagers will never leave their village, let alone their country. They will probably never go bungee jumping or whitewater rafting, and they’ll probably never climb a mountain for fun. But they were happy. Because they had their community, their family, they had each other. So I was forced to ask who was believing lies about how we should be living, me or the Ugandans. ME. I was believing lies about what a significant life was.  Through these interactions and experiences in this village, I came to value relationships over anything else in the world. In my American culture, this is extremely difficult because we measure our significance in what we do, rather than who we are.  As Thomas Merton says, “We are so obsessed with doing that we have no imagination left for being. As a result, men are valued not for what they are, but for what they do or what they have—for their usefulness.”

I’ve had to fight this in graduate school immensely as the push for academic achievement, journal publication, and status is greatly stressed. I have had to fight that having a Master’s degree makes me absolutely no more significant than someone who didn’t finish high school. The abbreviation behind my name makes me no more valuable than my family in Kisoga, Uganda.

As I struggle to integrate new values into my life that are not necessarily supported by American culture, I said no to my dream trip of going to New Zealand. While the experience I’m sure would have been incredible, I would have spent it with several people I don’t know and no one that I could share it with for a lifetime. I decided not to go to New Zealand because I would have been operating out of the Ali who just wanted to run and experience new things, not the changed Ali that strives to make relationships her number one priority. I had to face the fact that my previous decisions were based off lies. Lies that I had to DO all these things to feel significant. We must ask ourselves how much of our decisions are based off of lies? I realized that my decision not to go to New Zealand was more in line with the truth and who I wanted to become, rather than my selfish lies.

Some would argue another opportunity may never come up again. And ya know, maybe it will. But maybe it won’t. But it’s not all about me and just fulfilling my itch to get away. I want my life to be rooted in my values, not my desires. And I hope in time, by choosing this again and again, my desires will reflect my values. But until then, I will take up the challenge to make decisions based on who I want to become, not necessarily who I currently am.  And I would hope that would be every persons’ goal, to make decisions that foster growth in our character, not just our passport.

And then I'll be okay.

At my internship, I work with a woman who is in her 60s and has been trying to sell her house for the past 8 months all so she can move in with her husband who took a job 4 hours away. It has been quite the journey to witness as there were issues with the piping system in the house which caused thousands of extra dollars, a mentally handicapped child, and unexpected circumstance happening in the office. It has led her to a stressful and unpredictable time in life. She has been traveling with her daughter to see her husband who is renting a pop-up camper until they can sell their old house and buy a new one every weekend, along with additional trips as she tries to find a job in the new area. I have witnessed someone who has a lot of life under her belt go through an incredibly difficult transition.

As a current grad student graduating in May, trying to figure out a career, licensure, living situations, relationships, buying furniture, up-keeping a car, and trying to integrate credit card bills, phone bills, medical bills, and car insurance, I’m overwhelmed. Oh yea, and the normal day-to-day demands of being a full-time student and graduate assistant while working 20 hours a week in the school district. This past week my sleep was compensated for hours and hours of worrying about getting data for my thesis. All the pressure—pressure from the self to perform and to succeed.

But then I think, ‘haven’t I always felt this way about life?’ At any given point in my life, whether it be in middle school, high school, or college, there have always been things drowning me in worry about the next step of life.  It never ends. At any given point in life I have always said:

"Once I get through this exam”,

"Once I get through this depression”,

"Once I move out of the house”,

"Once I am in a relationship”,

"Once I get my degree”,

"Once I get a job”,

"Once I own a home,”

"Once I have children”,

"Once I get paid”….THEN, I’ll be okay. But until all that happens, I will just have to suffer and wallow my way in misery until ALLLLL that happens. Because all that needs to happen for me to be okay.

As a look at the woman I work with and all the transition that is happening for her in her 60s, I have to face that this is life. The good and bad, the worry and reward, all encompasses real life. With all its ups and downs. Just when one phase is done, the next is coming. This is a daunting thought if our definition of “real life” is only the up and coming, forward motions, success, promotions, and awards. Maybe, just maybe, life isn't about looking to the future as much as it is living in the present, even the unpleasant and mundane. Because life does stop, and at some point thinking in the future will get us nowhere but the ground.

I believe life happens today. Moment by moment. And our being “okay” does not hinge on the happening of favorable circumstances. We can choose to truly live with joy and passion in whatever phase of life we’re in, regardless of any circumstance.

"The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own' or 'real' life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life--the life God is sending one day by day." -CS Lewis

Our Failure to Love

I’m a quote reader. I read several apps of daily quotes from various individuals, I write my own weekly quotes, and I even have an ongoing document of all of my favorites. Over 30 pages.  All that to say, I breathe in and breathe out words. But I have been particularly moved by these:

Every sin is a result of a failure to love.

-St. Augustine.

I’ve been moved by this idea of loving one’s neighbor since I left Uganda just short of a year ago. Uganda showed me that changing the world was through small acts of love and kindness in community, not necessarily large-scale revivals. I’ve become more convinced of this since retuning to the United States.

My first thought when reading this quote was, “Well, is it every sin? And what do you define as sin? Doesn’t that depend on worldview? And failure? How do you define that?” As I dissected and dissected the combination of these few words, I had to catch myself.  Why do I resort to this legalism? Just stop. Take it for what it is. Okay. So when I think about the “sins” or “wrong-doings” I have either committed in my heart or in action, they are rooted in my shortcoming to love either another person or myself, sometimes both.

I humbly admit that being in a relationship tends to draw this awareness out in a way that feels like nails on a chalkboard. At no other time in my life have I been so aware of how my selfishness, lack of love, has infiltrated another human being. By me not stepping into his shoes and seeing his perspective, I fail to love him for who he is at that very moment.

When a young woman chooses to harm herself by cutting and making herself throw up, she is failing to love herself, in spite of what may have happened to her in the past. When the father of four repeatedly chooses drunkenness (mindlessness) over talking out the problems he has with his wife, he is failing to love his family. When the high school student walks in a school and takes the lives of his fellow classmates, he is failing to love his community. When a group of people decide they are god by murdering thousands of people in another country, they are failing to love their world.  And when the person gets upset and reacts in violence against the man that took away his family, he is committing the same audacity that was bestowed upon himself, failing to love another human being.

I am not proposing we sit back and be “okay” with wrongdoing, I think that’s quite the opposite.  But please don’t forget that hate doesn’t cast out hate, love does that. I used to think that only the gentle, kindhearted, sweet old ladies could be good at loving. What about the strong-willed, opinionated, passionately driven young woman over here? The truth is that my expression of love just looks a little different from theirs. And that's okay. I have to ask myself, "What does loving look like for a healthy Ali?"

This is by far the most difficult task of our time: to replace hate with love. It’s not easy because we must put the other in front of the self, acting against our innate desire to get what we want. I know this personally, as someone who battles selfishness, bitterness, and hate. But I really do believe that in the end we will want to look back at our lives as being a person who was incredibly daring to love the other at any cost.

Ferguson: The Iceberg Effect

I am white. And I preface that because I acknowledge my lack of understanding in the deep-hurt about how white privilege has oppressed other racially diverse groups. I am 22-years young, grew up in a Northern State, and was not around to understand the actions that took place during the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s. But I acknowledge my ancestors were (because they were white too), and participated in oppressing physically, mentally, and spiritually the African American population. And for that I am deeply sorry. I have grieved and even wept over this.

I wanted to write this as a response to the Ferguson case but also as someone who is passionate about racial justice….and human beings. Let me also preface that I am not an expert in the justice system, sociology, or even racism. But I can assure you I try. And that I care.  I also don’t know the ins and outs of the Ferguson case as it relates to autopsies, testimonies, and witnesses. Frankly, in my opinion, that doesn’t have much importance to me. You will not find me discussing the intricate details about the event that happened that night. I will also say that I don’t agree with the rioting and violence taking place because of this case. In no way am I okay with this. But I also have to ask the question, “have we created space for an alternative option?” and does this apply to racially diverse groups?

The way I see this case is as an iceberg illustration. What we see on the surface (one case where a white man shot a black man) is minute in comparison so what’s underneath. Underneath this iceberg you will see hundreds of years of discrimination in virtually every category: education, health, housing, employment, criminal justice, poverty. I don’t believe this is a “stand-alone” case, but rather an expression (or reaction) to oppression. Again, like I stated earlier, I don’t agree with the violence, but we must ask if we have created any other way. And if we have created another way, why aren’t people acting in that way and how can we implement that?

I have a problem with people saying, “this case isn’t about race” and “blacks kill blacks and whites kill whites and no one does anything”. Excuse me for my bluntness in saying this, but that is ignorance. Ignorance I also see as being blind. Blind to the fact that our society is full of discrimination and oppression against groups other than white. I agree, that bottom line someone died in the Ferguson case that may or may not have been a threat to the officer. Regardless, if you fail to acknowledge the racial piece of this case, you are performing an injustice against the African American population.

We are presently in an age of what sociologists call “color-blindness”.  This means we have created a society that refuses to look at race as part of a person’s identity. Legislatively, this is seen in the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and Affirmative Action policies following. We have outlawed discrimination based on race, ethnicity, gender, religion, etc. Phrases like, “We see all people the same” and “it doesn’t matter what race you are” are common phrases thrown around surrounding this “colorblind” idea. And please refrain from saying that “whites are being discriminated against now too in the college setting and workforce.” Please. Don’t confuse persecution with privilege. Those policies are in place because of non-white oppression. The reality is that our racial category has significant cultural components that uniquely shape who we are.  Instead of looking past our races, we should be acknowledging this in each other and talking about it as it partakes in our identity formation both within ourselves and in a group.  Our country has mistaken reconciliation with cooperation. We think that because African Americans aren’t in segregated institutions that discrimination and oppression don’t exist, but really we just aren’t talking about it. Our country has learned to cooperate with each other (African Americans and Caucasians), but is far from reconciliation.

I have followed the news enough to know that Officer Wilson has not been indicted by a grand jury. I think we should also be open to the perspective offered by the law enforcement agency. There is hurt on both sides, and the police officer’s life will be forever changed because of this case. Let us not forget to grieve for the officer’s life as well as the death of Michael Brown.

I believed this before the grand jury’s decision and I’ll stick with it now, regardless of his indictment, it is evident that we have work to do in our country with racial justice and need to open our minds and be empathetic towards peoples’ experiences. Just because I have not personally been the victim of racism, I am still able to empathize and try to understand that pain.

As heated as this case has gotten, and as painful as it has become for some, I thankful to have an opportunity to discuss racial issues in this country—something I think we have lacked in recent decades. I hope these conversations will educate minds, expand perspectives, soften hearts, and ultimately lead our country to a more unified nation—one to which we are all worthy of inhabiting.

Buckle Up

I have recently moved to a new place, far away from home, having never been here and knowing no one. It’s been a tough transition. I am doing a social work graduate program here, one that will take me one year. This program is challenging as it has a thesis required to be done in 10 months. I have asked myself everyday what I’m doing here—far away from home, friends, and opportunities. All for this degree that supposedly makes me look better in the world “out there”.  This is going to be an intense year of school and high expectations. I am in way over my head and desperate for strength beyond myself. I feel like a lunatic for trying to attempt something like this. I challenge my attendance to class, my ability to meet the requirements, and my purpose for being here…everyday. Did I mention I was way over my head?

So I was out for a run the other day, a way for me to get fresh air and take a break from an unbelievably challenging load of homework. I didn’t have a place to put my key so I decided, like any average girl on a run, to put my key in my sports bra. I didn’t think this was a bad idea, I’ve been doing it for years. It wasn’t a problem until the end of my run when I had realized that it wasn’t there anymore. Panicking, I pulled out my shirt and looked down and all around, I felt my shorts, shoes, and even hair to see if it was there…nothing. I stood outside my apartment complex for a minute and scolded myself. This was only my second night here, I don’t know anyone, I certainly didn’t know how to get back into my apartment, it’s getting dark, and I have my first day of class in the morning. Great. Fabulous. I love my life. After realizing my stupidity and beating myself up, I checked all over myself one more time just to make sure it wasn’t there and I set off to retrace my steps. A mile and a half might I say. I glued my eyes to the ground, scanning every which way and would ask people I was passing if they saw a key on the ground. Nothing. After about 30 minutes of looking and asking multiple people, it was time to call it quits because it was dark and there was no way I was going to find anything at this point. 

I had contacted my dad (what any girl would do in this desperate situation) and he was able to give me an emergency phone number to call for my apartment complex. As I was about to call this number, frantic, frazzled, and flustered (the 3 F’s), I heard a voice. I very soft, but audible voice inside my head. It was God. It’s happened before, nothing knew. I’m sure it happens more than I can recall because most of the time I’m not paying close enough attention to it. He just said “Ali. Trust me.” When I heard that I stopped. Right there in the midst of the 3 F’s. I took a deep breath and just said to myself okay. It’s alright. Okay. I called the emergency number and they were going to let me in for free the first time and then I could fill out a form for a new key in the morning. Okay. This is fine  I told myself. As I was walking back to my apartment complex that I had walked a mile and half to backtrack, I felt something in the center of my sports bra. You are not going to believe me but my key was right in front of my eyes, right where I had placed it from the start. And I’m telling you…It was not there before!  It wasn’t there before! 

As soon as I found I found my key I felt this sense of calm again.  Could it be that God was foreshadowing my upcoming year? Was it a coincidence that this happened the night before my first class? Could it be that he was bringing me to a place to trust him right then and there, to ultimately show me that I need to rely on him the whole year? Sounds like a yes, yes, and yes to me.

I have learned that we should not ask for tasks equal to our strength, but rather strength equal to our tasks. I can’t sit here and tell you that I still don’t feel like David in a battle against Goliath—because that is exactly how I feel. But what I can sit here and say is that until it is made clear to me that I am to pack up my bags and go home, I am going to fight my heart out this year, because in the end, it’s not about the degree or the thesis, it’s about the journey, and how we are transformed along the way. And when God says “yes” to something, you better buckle up and hold on, because it’s going to be a crazy ride.

Ali

Want To Change The World? love your neighbor.

I knew when I came to Africa I would learn many things. I also knew I would walk away from the experience a different person. But I had no idea what those things would be. I guessed I might learn better patience and listening, I would have a clear path in what I want to pursue, or maybe even some radical idea for alleviating global poverty (so naïve of me right?) But what I take away from this experience is worlds away from my initial thought.

We all want to be agents of global change. No one can deny that. Maybe this desire isn’t always conscious, but I believe everyone to the core of who they are wants to change the world, or at least agrees it needs to change. The way we are more often than not told how to do that is by packing our bags and moving to an indigenous people group, landing a position in the Peace Corps, or starting one’s own NGO. There seems to be such a chasm between our desire to see a global change and the options people give us to do so. How discouraging is that? And then for those who can actually attain such a status are put on pedestals and worshiped as idols. Both, completely wrong.

I just can’t believe that is all there is. So I am offering a different perspective (which you may find is actually more difficult), a very real way for you to make a difference in the world. My proposal is this: love your neighbor. Yep. That’s it. Just love your neighbor. And for those of you who ask “Who is my neighbor?”, I’ll answer by saying it’s the people who live next door to you.

If someone were to have said that to me a year ago I would have been disappointed because we all want grandeur adventures and experiences right? Or at least my generation. I would have thought I wouldn’t be living up to my full potential if I were to only love my neighbor. But that just it. our education tells us to “go out” with our knowledge, climb the ladder of success, and not look back to home. I believe we need to focus more energy on giving back to our community with our knowledge.

I have had several discussions with Ugandans who I greatly respect. We talk about poverty, specifically in the US. When I told them how we have a lot of poverty in the states they were astonished. They couldn’t believe America was anything but wealth. They would ask, “so the situation is very bad in your country?” I would tell them yes and then go on to explain the welfare and foster care system, homeless population and places where people who are poor can collect free food and clothing. Upon their initial reaction of being shocked, I was then faced with a dumbfounded, but very profound, question of “well why are you over here?” They’re right. Why do we feel like we need to go to Africa? Don’t get me wrong, I believe there is room for international work, but why aren’t we taking care of the ones at home?

The reason there are wars, genocides, exploitation, school shootings and knife stabbings, car bombings, issues of poverty, homelessness, loneliness (oh and the list goes on), is because we don’t love our neighbor. Stop blaming the government, particular people groups, or coincidence. Jesus really understood our situation when he gave the second greatest commandment to “Love your neighbor as yourself”. Not, go represent your country in peacekeeping. I truly truly believe all it takes is for us to make a difference in the world is to love our neighbors. Call me naïve or ignorant, maybe I am, but I challenge you to take this seriously. Just try it. And I also think there is creativity in how each person does that. It could be by allowing the neighbor kids to each lunch upon occasion, providing Band-Aids to the kids who scrap their knee, giving a ride to work the person whose car just broke down, offering a listening ear through good and bad times, and just opening up one’s home. It’s not difficult? How would you liked to be loved?

My dear dear friend in Uganda once told me, “There are no big tasks in the world, only very small ones.” Don’t be fooled that we need a huge revival and overthrow on the injustice systems in place.  It paralyzes us and then we become stagnant. Be moved by the fact that the world is occupied by broken, lonely people, searching for belonging. And the only remedy is love.

I flew across the globe to realize only small hands can complete large tasks. And only as people learning to love each other within community will life as we know it make a turn for the better.  As Margaret Mead says, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” And only in living in vulnerability with each other opens up the space where this true community can take place.

So go out. Chase your dreams and pursue worthy things. Listen to your heart. But remember that all it takes to make a difference is to love your neighbor as yourself

Uganda has rocked my world in ways I could have never conceived and I am excited to see the projectory to where this experience places me in the future.  Thank you for your prayers and support as I processed my experiences in writing. I hope my eyes to Uganda have been a tool to invite others into my experiences and lessons as well. This is the end of the beginning for me on this journey. And that is exactly what life is: a journey. Often times our path looks different than what we expect, taking twists and turns on unfamiliar paths, and more difficult than we expect, inflicting pain and fear in places we try and hide. I’ve also found sometimes experiences and people in our lives are only meant to be temporary, walking with us for a period of time, and that’s okay. It’s a journey of knowing ourselves, where we came from and how our own worldviews affect how we operate. It’s a journey of calling and the revelation of passion, gifts, and unique talents. But most of all, it’s a journey of transformation in our hearts to be a kind of people that unites beyond differences in order to do good in the world through love.  Thanks for allowing my path to cross with yours. Enjoy the journey. 

Ali