The Gifts of Imperfection

As I look at my most recent post, I can’t help but cringe that it was April of this year...almost four months ago. I guess what has kept me from blogging, and writing in general, is the belief that I really don’t have anything good to say right now. I’ve felt pretty dry of insight and introspection this summer. Dry of a lot of things really—self-confidence, encouragement, extending grace, and being at ease. This season of life has been filled with more times of anxiety, restlessness, irritability, and stubbornness than anything else really. A few months ago I was given a book by a dear friend called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. Brene Brown is a social science researcher who has dedicated her career to studying shame and vulnerability. I was introduced to her work in grad school because she also has a background in social work. Her charge is that we let go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embrace who we are. It is not a “how-to” or corny step-by-step book. She speaks the truth about what it means to embrace our imperfections as essentials to wholehearted living.

“Whole-hearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough...”

This is a journey about owning our whole story. Instead of running from our experiences, circumstances, and imperfections, it’s about embracing the vulnerability that comes with being known for who we are.

Brene argues that practicing (Not executing perfectly everytime) courage, compassion, and connection are key things of whole-hearted living. Courage is something I believe the western world has greatly misidentified. The meaning of courage is not necessarily to give ones life (like a superhero), but to give one’s heart—to share in the vulnerability of others. This is simply being the person in a  classroom or in a meeting that voices they don’t understand and need more clarification. This is someone who asks for help. Someone who not only blesses others, but knows how to receive.

Compassion is derived from the words pati and cum meaning “to suffer with”. Compassion is not a relationship between the healthy and sick, it is between equally broken people that share in humanity.  Genuine compassion is only possible when we see ourselves as desperate as the people we serve. It is cultivated by seeing ourselves for who we really are.

When we practice courage and compassion, we then open up the door for connection to take place. We realize we don’t have to do it alone and independence is not solitary. As humans we are wired for deep connections with other people.  Shared experiences. Shared vulnerabilities.  Courage, compassion, and connection are not possible without struggles, without imperfections. This is why they are gifts.

I am doing a blogging series on the 10 guideposts Brene highlights in her book:

 Cultivating Authenticity

 Cultivating Self-Compassion

 Cultivating a resilient spirit

Cultivating gratitude and joy

 Cultivating Intuition and trusting faith

Cultivating creativity

Cultivating play and rest

Cultivating calm and stillness

Cultivating meaningful work

 Cultivating laughter, song, and dance

I hope to share my story including my own vulnerabilities through this book and invite you into yours.

Building Our Character Over Our Passports

When you look around at people who have settled down, there are two ways to view the choice they've made. You could say they "sold out" and gave up on their dreams of living an adventure. Certainly that's probably true for some. But you could also choose to see something different: humility. You could see people who surrendered what they wanted to do and started seeing their lives as an offering for the other. For some it means they finally stopped chasing a lifestyle that made them look like the hero and just started acting like one. They sacrificed what they wanted for what they could become, and they did so gladly. 

I was recently presented the opportunity to take a three-week trip to New Zealand. This trip would consist of backpacking, bungee jumping, cliff diving, and exploring a beautiful beautiful island.  Traveling to New Zealand has been at the top of my bucket list for many years. I have mapped out the country, had computer backgrounds of it, and even “pretend” booked flights there. There is something that excites me about that country, maybe it’s the thrill of adventure or the scenery, or maybe it’s just that it is on the completely opposite side of the world from me. It’s unknown, it’s mysterious, and the thought of treading my footsteps on its soil is utterly and completely enticing. I thirst for this kind of adventure.

But I said no.

Up until about a year ago, I wouldn’t of had one small reservation about going on that trip.  Not one hesitation. But I’ve changed how I see the world, and my life, and my purpose since then.  I’ve come to a place in life where I am beginning to operate based out of a value-system, rather than a “this is what Ali wants” system. I’m beginning to see that I need to start making decisions that support the values I want in my life, not necessarily the ones I’m functioning out of now.

I spent a significant amount of my time in college running around the world. Whether is was out to different states out West, across the world to Uganda, or weekend trips just to get away from home. It was always about the next adventure, the next thrill—something to remind my spirit that I was free to roam and that nothing could hold me back. While the unforgettable experiences I had and the amazing people I’ve met and become friends with is something I’d never take back, I did all of this on my own.  When I would come home from these “adventures”, no one could fully understand who I had become because of where I’d been. I didn’t share it with anyone walking close to me in life.  I had great friends who would listen to me for hours on end as I rehashed every detail of every picture, they didn’t understand me like I wanted them too. I thought that I was getting the best of both worlds whenever I left home and that nothing would change. But I was wrong. I missed out. I missed out of friends’ weddings, potential relationships, and family events. I sacrificed family and friendships all to fill this longing to be free and independent, and without ties.

After spending four months in Uganda doing my senior social work internship, I realized that my “seeking adventure” was not much more than listening to a heap of lies. Lies that I had to experience everything in my youth. I had to do as much as possible to gain “wisdom” and “report” with people. I needed to travel and experience the most as possible because staying home wasn’t “good enough”. And “ordinary people” didn’t just stay around home. But when I built relationships with people in the Kisoga village, I found that the majority of those villagers will never leave their village, let alone their country. They will probably never go bungee jumping or whitewater rafting, and they’ll probably never climb a mountain for fun. But they were happy. Because they had their community, their family, they had each other. So I was forced to ask who was believing lies about how we should be living, me or the Ugandans. ME. I was believing lies about what a significant life was.  Through these interactions and experiences in this village, I came to value relationships over anything else in the world. In my American culture, this is extremely difficult because we measure our significance in what we do, rather than who we are.  As Thomas Merton says, “We are so obsessed with doing that we have no imagination left for being. As a result, men are valued not for what they are, but for what they do or what they have—for their usefulness.”

I’ve had to fight this in graduate school immensely as the push for academic achievement, journal publication, and status is greatly stressed. I have had to fight that having a Master’s degree makes me absolutely no more significant than someone who didn’t finish high school. The abbreviation behind my name makes me no more valuable than my family in Kisoga, Uganda.

As I struggle to integrate new values into my life that are not necessarily supported by American culture, I said no to my dream trip of going to New Zealand. While the experience I’m sure would have been incredible, I would have spent it with several people I don’t know and no one that I could share it with for a lifetime. I decided not to go to New Zealand because I would have been operating out of the Ali who just wanted to run and experience new things, not the changed Ali that strives to make relationships her number one priority. I had to face the fact that my previous decisions were based off lies. Lies that I had to DO all these things to feel significant. We must ask ourselves how much of our decisions are based off of lies? I realized that my decision not to go to New Zealand was more in line with the truth and who I wanted to become, rather than my selfish lies.

Some would argue another opportunity may never come up again. And ya know, maybe it will. But maybe it won’t. But it’s not all about me and just fulfilling my itch to get away. I want my life to be rooted in my values, not my desires. And I hope in time, by choosing this again and again, my desires will reflect my values. But until then, I will take up the challenge to make decisions based on who I want to become, not necessarily who I currently am.  And I would hope that would be every persons’ goal, to make decisions that foster growth in our character, not just our passport.

And then I'll be okay.

At my internship, I work with a woman who is in her 60s and has been trying to sell her house for the past 8 months all so she can move in with her husband who took a job 4 hours away. It has been quite the journey to witness as there were issues with the piping system in the house which caused thousands of extra dollars, a mentally handicapped child, and unexpected circumstance happening in the office. It has led her to a stressful and unpredictable time in life. She has been traveling with her daughter to see her husband who is renting a pop-up camper until they can sell their old house and buy a new one every weekend, along with additional trips as she tries to find a job in the new area. I have witnessed someone who has a lot of life under her belt go through an incredibly difficult transition.

As a current grad student graduating in May, trying to figure out a career, licensure, living situations, relationships, buying furniture, up-keeping a car, and trying to integrate credit card bills, phone bills, medical bills, and car insurance, I’m overwhelmed. Oh yea, and the normal day-to-day demands of being a full-time student and graduate assistant while working 20 hours a week in the school district. This past week my sleep was compensated for hours and hours of worrying about getting data for my thesis. All the pressure—pressure from the self to perform and to succeed.

But then I think, ‘haven’t I always felt this way about life?’ At any given point in my life, whether it be in middle school, high school, or college, there have always been things drowning me in worry about the next step of life.  It never ends. At any given point in life I have always said:

"Once I get through this exam”,

"Once I get through this depression”,

"Once I move out of the house”,

"Once I am in a relationship”,

"Once I get my degree”,

"Once I get a job”,

"Once I own a home,”

"Once I have children”,

"Once I get paid”….THEN, I’ll be okay. But until all that happens, I will just have to suffer and wallow my way in misery until ALLLLL that happens. Because all that needs to happen for me to be okay.

As a look at the woman I work with and all the transition that is happening for her in her 60s, I have to face that this is life. The good and bad, the worry and reward, all encompasses real life. With all its ups and downs. Just when one phase is done, the next is coming. This is a daunting thought if our definition of “real life” is only the up and coming, forward motions, success, promotions, and awards. Maybe, just maybe, life isn't about looking to the future as much as it is living in the present, even the unpleasant and mundane. Because life does stop, and at some point thinking in the future will get us nowhere but the ground.

I believe life happens today. Moment by moment. And our being “okay” does not hinge on the happening of favorable circumstances. We can choose to truly live with joy and passion in whatever phase of life we’re in, regardless of any circumstance.

"The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own' or 'real' life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life--the life God is sending one day by day." -CS Lewis

Our Failure to Love

I’m a quote reader. I read several apps of daily quotes from various individuals, I write my own weekly quotes, and I even have an ongoing document of all of my favorites. Over 30 pages.  All that to say, I breathe in and breathe out words. But I have been particularly moved by these:

Every sin is a result of a failure to love.

-St. Augustine.

I’ve been moved by this idea of loving one’s neighbor since I left Uganda just short of a year ago. Uganda showed me that changing the world was through small acts of love and kindness in community, not necessarily large-scale revivals. I’ve become more convinced of this since retuning to the United States.

My first thought when reading this quote was, “Well, is it every sin? And what do you define as sin? Doesn’t that depend on worldview? And failure? How do you define that?” As I dissected and dissected the combination of these few words, I had to catch myself.  Why do I resort to this legalism? Just stop. Take it for what it is. Okay. So when I think about the “sins” or “wrong-doings” I have either committed in my heart or in action, they are rooted in my shortcoming to love either another person or myself, sometimes both.

I humbly admit that being in a relationship tends to draw this awareness out in a way that feels like nails on a chalkboard. At no other time in my life have I been so aware of how my selfishness, lack of love, has infiltrated another human being. By me not stepping into his shoes and seeing his perspective, I fail to love him for who he is at that very moment.

When a young woman chooses to harm herself by cutting and making herself throw up, she is failing to love herself, in spite of what may have happened to her in the past. When the father of four repeatedly chooses drunkenness (mindlessness) over talking out the problems he has with his wife, he is failing to love his family. When the high school student walks in a school and takes the lives of his fellow classmates, he is failing to love his community. When a group of people decide they are god by murdering thousands of people in another country, they are failing to love their world.  And when the person gets upset and reacts in violence against the man that took away his family, he is committing the same audacity that was bestowed upon himself, failing to love another human being.

I am not proposing we sit back and be “okay” with wrongdoing, I think that’s quite the opposite.  But please don’t forget that hate doesn’t cast out hate, love does that. I used to think that only the gentle, kindhearted, sweet old ladies could be good at loving. What about the strong-willed, opinionated, passionately driven young woman over here? The truth is that my expression of love just looks a little different from theirs. And that's okay. I have to ask myself, "What does loving look like for a healthy Ali?"

This is by far the most difficult task of our time: to replace hate with love. It’s not easy because we must put the other in front of the self, acting against our innate desire to get what we want. I know this personally, as someone who battles selfishness, bitterness, and hate. But I really do believe that in the end we will want to look back at our lives as being a person who was incredibly daring to love the other at any cost.

Ferguson: The Iceberg Effect

I am white. And I preface that because I acknowledge my lack of understanding in the deep-hurt about how white privilege has oppressed other racially diverse groups. I am 22-years young, grew up in a Northern State, and was not around to understand the actions that took place during the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s. But I acknowledge my ancestors were (because they were white too), and participated in oppressing physically, mentally, and spiritually the African American population. And for that I am deeply sorry. I have grieved and even wept over this.

I wanted to write this as a response to the Ferguson case but also as someone who is passionate about racial justice….and human beings. Let me also preface that I am not an expert in the justice system, sociology, or even racism. But I can assure you I try. And that I care.  I also don’t know the ins and outs of the Ferguson case as it relates to autopsies, testimonies, and witnesses. Frankly, in my opinion, that doesn’t have much importance to me. You will not find me discussing the intricate details about the event that happened that night. I will also say that I don’t agree with the rioting and violence taking place because of this case. In no way am I okay with this. But I also have to ask the question, “have we created space for an alternative option?” and does this apply to racially diverse groups?

The way I see this case is as an iceberg illustration. What we see on the surface (one case where a white man shot a black man) is minute in comparison so what’s underneath. Underneath this iceberg you will see hundreds of years of discrimination in virtually every category: education, health, housing, employment, criminal justice, poverty. I don’t believe this is a “stand-alone” case, but rather an expression (or reaction) to oppression. Again, like I stated earlier, I don’t agree with the violence, but we must ask if we have created any other way. And if we have created another way, why aren’t people acting in that way and how can we implement that?

I have a problem with people saying, “this case isn’t about race” and “blacks kill blacks and whites kill whites and no one does anything”. Excuse me for my bluntness in saying this, but that is ignorance. Ignorance I also see as being blind. Blind to the fact that our society is full of discrimination and oppression against groups other than white. I agree, that bottom line someone died in the Ferguson case that may or may not have been a threat to the officer. Regardless, if you fail to acknowledge the racial piece of this case, you are performing an injustice against the African American population.

We are presently in an age of what sociologists call “color-blindness”.  This means we have created a society that refuses to look at race as part of a person’s identity. Legislatively, this is seen in the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and Affirmative Action policies following. We have outlawed discrimination based on race, ethnicity, gender, religion, etc. Phrases like, “We see all people the same” and “it doesn’t matter what race you are” are common phrases thrown around surrounding this “colorblind” idea. And please refrain from saying that “whites are being discriminated against now too in the college setting and workforce.” Please. Don’t confuse persecution with privilege. Those policies are in place because of non-white oppression. The reality is that our racial category has significant cultural components that uniquely shape who we are.  Instead of looking past our races, we should be acknowledging this in each other and talking about it as it partakes in our identity formation both within ourselves and in a group.  Our country has mistaken reconciliation with cooperation. We think that because African Americans aren’t in segregated institutions that discrimination and oppression don’t exist, but really we just aren’t talking about it. Our country has learned to cooperate with each other (African Americans and Caucasians), but is far from reconciliation.

I have followed the news enough to know that Officer Wilson has not been indicted by a grand jury. I think we should also be open to the perspective offered by the law enforcement agency. There is hurt on both sides, and the police officer’s life will be forever changed because of this case. Let us not forget to grieve for the officer’s life as well as the death of Michael Brown.

I believed this before the grand jury’s decision and I’ll stick with it now, regardless of his indictment, it is evident that we have work to do in our country with racial justice and need to open our minds and be empathetic towards peoples’ experiences. Just because I have not personally been the victim of racism, I am still able to empathize and try to understand that pain.

As heated as this case has gotten, and as painful as it has become for some, I thankful to have an opportunity to discuss racial issues in this country—something I think we have lacked in recent decades. I hope these conversations will educate minds, expand perspectives, soften hearts, and ultimately lead our country to a more unified nation—one to which we are all worthy of inhabiting.