Cultivating Self-Compassion

“All I want is your best, Ali. That’s all you can do.” Those were the words of my father as I navigated my way through AP Calculus one year.  I witnessed some of my other classmates excel at calculus from the beginning as I struggled to hover above a C. I wanted to quit. If I didn’t get it by then...well, I just wasn’t going to get it.  I’m not smart. People think I’m not qualified to be in this class. I’m not good enough. Those were the thoughts ringing in my head after I laid eyes on all the red marks over my tests. My parents never did put pressure on me to excel, it was my own perfectionism that did. The belief that If I don’t do this perfect, I am not good enough.

I never thought I was a perfectionist until I began to understand that perfectionism is highly correlated with shame.  Shame is manifested in perfectionism because when we fail to do something perfect, instead of blaming the faulty logic of perfectionism, we blame ourselves—therefore perpetuating the cycle of shame: trying to meet a certain standard but never quite making the cut. AP Calculus was just a snapshot of the relationship between shame and perfectionism. As an adult now, I can look back and understand how my battle with a serious eating disorder was manifested in this shame. Shame of who I was and where I’d been. I’d come to believe that my whole life was a mistake because it didn’t seem like I could do “anything right”.  I had all these standards or “rules” in my head that I had to live by, and when I would miss the mark (which was frequent because the standards were often faulty), I would then start to believe that my inability to do something was rooted in who I was as a person. It’s like failing a test and saying “I’m dumb” instead of “I wasn’t well prepared for this exam.”

The biggest issue with this shame is that is multiplies in every aspect of life that we give it.  And sometimes it comes subtly and sometimes it comes in what Brene Brown likes to call a “shame storm.” It’s when our actions contradict our intentions and we start to believe that we are a bad person because of it. I find myself in these more frequently as someone who is preparing for marriage. With a past of dealing with shame, I am aware that I am more prone to shame storms because I expect that I will function and behave a certain way. When I consistently fail at this (and relationships have this way of showing us who we really are), it is easy for me to sink back in shame.  The beliefe that, The reason my partner is hurt is because of me; therefore, I am not good enough to make this person happy. This is a thought I wish I could say I could fight and conquer more often than I actually do.

So. Shame. Perfectionism. How to break the cycle?

The answer is self-compassion. Being kind and compassionate towards yourself. Loving yourself.  I once heard a statistic that 80% of our self-talk is negative. We are often our own worst critics and commentators.  I’ve also heard that if we are mindful enough of reducing that to 50%, it can change how we see the world and even function.

When I was battling an eating disorder I hung a baby picture of myself on the mirror. Every time I would look at myself in the mirror and speak poorly I would also being saying that to the little girl, who just happened to be me. We would never look at a three-year old and tell her she was ugly and fat. Why would I be any different?  I will eventually have my own little boy or girl and they will stand in front of me and ask if they are beautiful or if they have what it takes. And I will remember the little girl inside of me who asks the same questions. And I will repeat and assure and affirm that yes, yes ,and yes to all of the above.

 In times where I’ve been in shame storms, being told over and over again in my mind that I am not enough, I have to fight to say to myself that I am. God is enough. And trying my best is good enough. Making mistakes at work does not make me a bad social worker or mean that I didn’t care enough; it means that I am human and I make mistakes. It does not change my character.

Sometimes I think we must wake up and say to our self that showing up is good enough today. Sometimes our presence and our heart is all that is required. I’ve found that in my relationship with God. Instead of waiting to have things all together to go to God, I hear him saying, “Just come. Give me what you have. It’s enough.”

And so with that I’ll say this: Be kind to the little girl or boy inside of you. Speak tenderly and learn to love them just as you would any other little one.

Cultivating Authenticity

Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. They way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you really need to do, in order to have what you want.

-Margaret Young

Personality tests.  Ugh. A love-hate relationship really. It’s exciting to learn about myself, but I always struggle answering hundreds of hypothetical questions and rating how strongly I agree with certain statements. I constantly have to navigate “is this how I want to be or is this how I am?” The disconnect between those questions is daunting. I want to be the person that would answer honestly in any situation, but is that really what I would do if my life was on the line? Do my actions reflect who I think I am? If we are being honest with ourselves I believe the answer is often no.

The Enneagram is one of my favorite personality tests that explains how certain personalities navigate through pain. It then places these personalities in a “needs” statement. I am an 8...for all the Enneagram guroos. My type is “The Challenger”, “the need to be against.” I absolutely hate it. I essentially want control because 8s stem from the belief that its unsafe to be weak and vulnerable. Being “against” people gives me a sense of control because I don’t feel like I am just “giving in”. I’m standing up for myself. I find myself taking the opposite side in virtually every area of life. I received an award at the end of my undergraduate schooling that was titled, “Most likely to disagree with the professor.” Doesn’t get much clearer than that. It’s taken me a while to accept this part of myself. I really want to be a 7, the fun loving, crazy, need for adventure type. I don’t want to be known for just disagreeing with people and needing control! That’s terrible! I took the tests several times over the course of different phases of life. I tried experimenting with my answers to see if I could get a 7. Didn’t happen. I’ve had to accept that I am an 8, not a 7. The day I faced the fact that I do have a desire for control of my environment, it was as if I was free to be myself. The disconnect between who I am and who I wanted to be became smaller...I was being honest with myself. Accepting who I was, this is just a minor example, was the start of forming deep connections with other people.

As a young woman, I take this time in my life seriously to be mindful of forming habits and practices that I want to carry with me throughout my lifetime. Being authentic is one of my top mindful activities.  I have a dear friend who is the sweetest, kindest, most gentle human being to walk the earth. Gracefully tiptoe the earth actually.  She's the first to offer someone a massage or assist in dishes. She puts the people around her at ease because of her gentle spirit. I, on the other hand, stumble through the door dropping whatever is in my hands and fall in the family dog's potty training accident on the floor. I am not graceful and I am generally pretty tense. There are people who tiptoe gracefully through life as a choreographed dance and then there are those who stumble and not only break a nail, but their face. You are either one or the other. I have tried the "graceful dance" many times, but my true self eventually shows. So I eventually just gave up and started accepting that I'm a little more high strung and have trouble sleeping at night. And that's okay. I had to learn to allow others to see this side of me... the authentic, real me. I say this because without authenticity—being our true selves—we are incapable of having deep, fulfilling, and lasting relationships. If I only put out a version of myself that I think other people will accept, they will not truly like me, but fall for the superficial version of myself, therefore leaving me just as lonely as I would be without them.

Authenticity, by no means, is claiming a posture of “I don’t care what people think.” Because when we take that mindset we are not becoming immune to just hurt, but also to love and connection. Cultivating authenticity is a dance. It’s learning the rhythm of vulnerability with exposing our true selves, yet not robbing us of true connection.

So here is my charge: Spend more time becoming who you really are rather than pretending to be someone your not.

Invite your true self over for dinner. And get to know that person.

The Gifts of Imperfection

As I look at my most recent post, I can’t help but cringe that it was April of this year...almost four months ago. I guess what has kept me from blogging, and writing in general, is the belief that I really don’t have anything good to say right now. I’ve felt pretty dry of insight and introspection this summer. Dry of a lot of things really—self-confidence, encouragement, extending grace, and being at ease. This season of life has been filled with more times of anxiety, restlessness, irritability, and stubbornness than anything else really. A few months ago I was given a book by a dear friend called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. Brene Brown is a social science researcher who has dedicated her career to studying shame and vulnerability. I was introduced to her work in grad school because she also has a background in social work. Her charge is that we let go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embrace who we are. It is not a “how-to” or corny step-by-step book. She speaks the truth about what it means to embrace our imperfections as essentials to wholehearted living.

“Whole-hearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough...”

This is a journey about owning our whole story. Instead of running from our experiences, circumstances, and imperfections, it’s about embracing the vulnerability that comes with being known for who we are.

Brene argues that practicing (Not executing perfectly everytime) courage, compassion, and connection are key things of whole-hearted living. Courage is something I believe the western world has greatly misidentified. The meaning of courage is not necessarily to give ones life (like a superhero), but to give one’s heart—to share in the vulnerability of others. This is simply being the person in a  classroom or in a meeting that voices they don’t understand and need more clarification. This is someone who asks for help. Someone who not only blesses others, but knows how to receive.

Compassion is derived from the words pati and cum meaning “to suffer with”. Compassion is not a relationship between the healthy and sick, it is between equally broken people that share in humanity.  Genuine compassion is only possible when we see ourselves as desperate as the people we serve. It is cultivated by seeing ourselves for who we really are.

When we practice courage and compassion, we then open up the door for connection to take place. We realize we don’t have to do it alone and independence is not solitary. As humans we are wired for deep connections with other people.  Shared experiences. Shared vulnerabilities.  Courage, compassion, and connection are not possible without struggles, without imperfections. This is why they are gifts.

I am doing a blogging series on the 10 guideposts Brene highlights in her book:

 Cultivating Authenticity

 Cultivating Self-Compassion

 Cultivating a resilient spirit

Cultivating gratitude and joy

 Cultivating Intuition and trusting faith

Cultivating creativity

Cultivating play and rest

Cultivating calm and stillness

Cultivating meaningful work

 Cultivating laughter, song, and dance

I hope to share my story including my own vulnerabilities through this book and invite you into yours.

Building Our Character Over Our Passports

When you look around at people who have settled down, there are two ways to view the choice they've made. You could say they "sold out" and gave up on their dreams of living an adventure. Certainly that's probably true for some. But you could also choose to see something different: humility. You could see people who surrendered what they wanted to do and started seeing their lives as an offering for the other. For some it means they finally stopped chasing a lifestyle that made them look like the hero and just started acting like one. They sacrificed what they wanted for what they could become, and they did so gladly. 

I was recently presented the opportunity to take a three-week trip to New Zealand. This trip would consist of backpacking, bungee jumping, cliff diving, and exploring a beautiful beautiful island.  Traveling to New Zealand has been at the top of my bucket list for many years. I have mapped out the country, had computer backgrounds of it, and even “pretend” booked flights there. There is something that excites me about that country, maybe it’s the thrill of adventure or the scenery, or maybe it’s just that it is on the completely opposite side of the world from me. It’s unknown, it’s mysterious, and the thought of treading my footsteps on its soil is utterly and completely enticing. I thirst for this kind of adventure.

But I said no.

Up until about a year ago, I wouldn’t of had one small reservation about going on that trip.  Not one hesitation. But I’ve changed how I see the world, and my life, and my purpose since then.  I’ve come to a place in life where I am beginning to operate based out of a value-system, rather than a “this is what Ali wants” system. I’m beginning to see that I need to start making decisions that support the values I want in my life, not necessarily the ones I’m functioning out of now.

I spent a significant amount of my time in college running around the world. Whether is was out to different states out West, across the world to Uganda, or weekend trips just to get away from home. It was always about the next adventure, the next thrill—something to remind my spirit that I was free to roam and that nothing could hold me back. While the unforgettable experiences I had and the amazing people I’ve met and become friends with is something I’d never take back, I did all of this on my own.  When I would come home from these “adventures”, no one could fully understand who I had become because of where I’d been. I didn’t share it with anyone walking close to me in life.  I had great friends who would listen to me for hours on end as I rehashed every detail of every picture, they didn’t understand me like I wanted them too. I thought that I was getting the best of both worlds whenever I left home and that nothing would change. But I was wrong. I missed out. I missed out of friends’ weddings, potential relationships, and family events. I sacrificed family and friendships all to fill this longing to be free and independent, and without ties.

After spending four months in Uganda doing my senior social work internship, I realized that my “seeking adventure” was not much more than listening to a heap of lies. Lies that I had to experience everything in my youth. I had to do as much as possible to gain “wisdom” and “report” with people. I needed to travel and experience the most as possible because staying home wasn’t “good enough”. And “ordinary people” didn’t just stay around home. But when I built relationships with people in the Kisoga village, I found that the majority of those villagers will never leave their village, let alone their country. They will probably never go bungee jumping or whitewater rafting, and they’ll probably never climb a mountain for fun. But they were happy. Because they had their community, their family, they had each other. So I was forced to ask who was believing lies about how we should be living, me or the Ugandans. ME. I was believing lies about what a significant life was.  Through these interactions and experiences in this village, I came to value relationships over anything else in the world. In my American culture, this is extremely difficult because we measure our significance in what we do, rather than who we are.  As Thomas Merton says, “We are so obsessed with doing that we have no imagination left for being. As a result, men are valued not for what they are, but for what they do or what they have—for their usefulness.”

I’ve had to fight this in graduate school immensely as the push for academic achievement, journal publication, and status is greatly stressed. I have had to fight that having a Master’s degree makes me absolutely no more significant than someone who didn’t finish high school. The abbreviation behind my name makes me no more valuable than my family in Kisoga, Uganda.

As I struggle to integrate new values into my life that are not necessarily supported by American culture, I said no to my dream trip of going to New Zealand. While the experience I’m sure would have been incredible, I would have spent it with several people I don’t know and no one that I could share it with for a lifetime. I decided not to go to New Zealand because I would have been operating out of the Ali who just wanted to run and experience new things, not the changed Ali that strives to make relationships her number one priority. I had to face the fact that my previous decisions were based off lies. Lies that I had to DO all these things to feel significant. We must ask ourselves how much of our decisions are based off of lies? I realized that my decision not to go to New Zealand was more in line with the truth and who I wanted to become, rather than my selfish lies.

Some would argue another opportunity may never come up again. And ya know, maybe it will. But maybe it won’t. But it’s not all about me and just fulfilling my itch to get away. I want my life to be rooted in my values, not my desires. And I hope in time, by choosing this again and again, my desires will reflect my values. But until then, I will take up the challenge to make decisions based on who I want to become, not necessarily who I currently am.  And I would hope that would be every persons’ goal, to make decisions that foster growth in our character, not just our passport.

And then I'll be okay.

At my internship, I work with a woman who is in her 60s and has been trying to sell her house for the past 8 months all so she can move in with her husband who took a job 4 hours away. It has been quite the journey to witness as there were issues with the piping system in the house which caused thousands of extra dollars, a mentally handicapped child, and unexpected circumstance happening in the office. It has led her to a stressful and unpredictable time in life. She has been traveling with her daughter to see her husband who is renting a pop-up camper until they can sell their old house and buy a new one every weekend, along with additional trips as she tries to find a job in the new area. I have witnessed someone who has a lot of life under her belt go through an incredibly difficult transition.

As a current grad student graduating in May, trying to figure out a career, licensure, living situations, relationships, buying furniture, up-keeping a car, and trying to integrate credit card bills, phone bills, medical bills, and car insurance, I’m overwhelmed. Oh yea, and the normal day-to-day demands of being a full-time student and graduate assistant while working 20 hours a week in the school district. This past week my sleep was compensated for hours and hours of worrying about getting data for my thesis. All the pressure—pressure from the self to perform and to succeed.

But then I think, ‘haven’t I always felt this way about life?’ At any given point in my life, whether it be in middle school, high school, or college, there have always been things drowning me in worry about the next step of life.  It never ends. At any given point in life I have always said:

"Once I get through this exam”,

"Once I get through this depression”,

"Once I move out of the house”,

"Once I am in a relationship”,

"Once I get my degree”,

"Once I get a job”,

"Once I own a home,”

"Once I have children”,

"Once I get paid”….THEN, I’ll be okay. But until all that happens, I will just have to suffer and wallow my way in misery until ALLLLL that happens. Because all that needs to happen for me to be okay.

As a look at the woman I work with and all the transition that is happening for her in her 60s, I have to face that this is life. The good and bad, the worry and reward, all encompasses real life. With all its ups and downs. Just when one phase is done, the next is coming. This is a daunting thought if our definition of “real life” is only the up and coming, forward motions, success, promotions, and awards. Maybe, just maybe, life isn't about looking to the future as much as it is living in the present, even the unpleasant and mundane. Because life does stop, and at some point thinking in the future will get us nowhere but the ground.

I believe life happens today. Moment by moment. And our being “okay” does not hinge on the happening of favorable circumstances. We can choose to truly live with joy and passion in whatever phase of life we’re in, regardless of any circumstance.

"The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own' or 'real' life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life--the life God is sending one day by day." -CS Lewis