Building Our Character Over Our Passports

When you look around at people who have settled down, there are two ways to view the choice they've made. You could say they "sold out" and gave up on their dreams of living an adventure. Certainly that's probably true for some. But you could also choose to see something different: humility. You could see people who surrendered what they wanted to do and started seeing their lives as an offering for the other. For some it means they finally stopped chasing a lifestyle that made them look like the hero and just started acting like one. They sacrificed what they wanted for what they could become, and they did so gladly. 

I was recently presented the opportunity to take a three-week trip to New Zealand. This trip would consist of backpacking, bungee jumping, cliff diving, and exploring a beautiful beautiful island.  Traveling to New Zealand has been at the top of my bucket list for many years. I have mapped out the country, had computer backgrounds of it, and even “pretend” booked flights there. There is something that excites me about that country, maybe it’s the thrill of adventure or the scenery, or maybe it’s just that it is on the completely opposite side of the world from me. It’s unknown, it’s mysterious, and the thought of treading my footsteps on its soil is utterly and completely enticing. I thirst for this kind of adventure.

But I said no.

Up until about a year ago, I wouldn’t of had one small reservation about going on that trip.  Not one hesitation. But I’ve changed how I see the world, and my life, and my purpose since then.  I’ve come to a place in life where I am beginning to operate based out of a value-system, rather than a “this is what Ali wants” system. I’m beginning to see that I need to start making decisions that support the values I want in my life, not necessarily the ones I’m functioning out of now.

I spent a significant amount of my time in college running around the world. Whether is was out to different states out West, across the world to Uganda, or weekend trips just to get away from home. It was always about the next adventure, the next thrill—something to remind my spirit that I was free to roam and that nothing could hold me back. While the unforgettable experiences I had and the amazing people I’ve met and become friends with is something I’d never take back, I did all of this on my own.  When I would come home from these “adventures”, no one could fully understand who I had become because of where I’d been. I didn’t share it with anyone walking close to me in life.  I had great friends who would listen to me for hours on end as I rehashed every detail of every picture, they didn’t understand me like I wanted them too. I thought that I was getting the best of both worlds whenever I left home and that nothing would change. But I was wrong. I missed out. I missed out of friends’ weddings, potential relationships, and family events. I sacrificed family and friendships all to fill this longing to be free and independent, and without ties.

After spending four months in Uganda doing my senior social work internship, I realized that my “seeking adventure” was not much more than listening to a heap of lies. Lies that I had to experience everything in my youth. I had to do as much as possible to gain “wisdom” and “report” with people. I needed to travel and experience the most as possible because staying home wasn’t “good enough”. And “ordinary people” didn’t just stay around home. But when I built relationships with people in the Kisoga village, I found that the majority of those villagers will never leave their village, let alone their country. They will probably never go bungee jumping or whitewater rafting, and they’ll probably never climb a mountain for fun. But they were happy. Because they had their community, their family, they had each other. So I was forced to ask who was believing lies about how we should be living, me or the Ugandans. ME. I was believing lies about what a significant life was.  Through these interactions and experiences in this village, I came to value relationships over anything else in the world. In my American culture, this is extremely difficult because we measure our significance in what we do, rather than who we are.  As Thomas Merton says, “We are so obsessed with doing that we have no imagination left for being. As a result, men are valued not for what they are, but for what they do or what they have—for their usefulness.”

I’ve had to fight this in graduate school immensely as the push for academic achievement, journal publication, and status is greatly stressed. I have had to fight that having a Master’s degree makes me absolutely no more significant than someone who didn’t finish high school. The abbreviation behind my name makes me no more valuable than my family in Kisoga, Uganda.

As I struggle to integrate new values into my life that are not necessarily supported by American culture, I said no to my dream trip of going to New Zealand. While the experience I’m sure would have been incredible, I would have spent it with several people I don’t know and no one that I could share it with for a lifetime. I decided not to go to New Zealand because I would have been operating out of the Ali who just wanted to run and experience new things, not the changed Ali that strives to make relationships her number one priority. I had to face the fact that my previous decisions were based off lies. Lies that I had to DO all these things to feel significant. We must ask ourselves how much of our decisions are based off of lies? I realized that my decision not to go to New Zealand was more in line with the truth and who I wanted to become, rather than my selfish lies.

Some would argue another opportunity may never come up again. And ya know, maybe it will. But maybe it won’t. But it’s not all about me and just fulfilling my itch to get away. I want my life to be rooted in my values, not my desires. And I hope in time, by choosing this again and again, my desires will reflect my values. But until then, I will take up the challenge to make decisions based on who I want to become, not necessarily who I currently am.  And I would hope that would be every persons’ goal, to make decisions that foster growth in our character, not just our passport.