"The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our
fear of the dark that casts our joys into the shadows."
During my freshman year of college, a couple of my friends
and I flew to Arizona for spring break. This was the first time that I would be
going somewhere far way without the supervision of my parents.
Eeeeeekkkk!!
My dad would drop us off at
the airport and sianara cold weather, these girls are hitting the sun and sand!
It was exciting enough going to college and living away from home, but the
thought of getting on a plane all by myself and traveling all..by..myself.. was
exhilarating. For the first time I felt like an adult. I remember booking those
flights months in advance and the excitement didn’t cease until the trip was
over. I found myself at the same time though, feeling like this experience may
be “too good to be true” and that it wouldn’t happen. In the past, as I’ve
anticipated exciting things to occur, I’ve often then proceeded to think of all
of the reasons why this wonderful something will not work out.
I admittingly find myself in this train of thought often,
trying to counterbalance this extreme zeal because I don’t want to be let down.
I have been the person who on their way to vacation has thought, ‘well this is
only a week, I’ll be back here soon enough.” I used to think that I was being
what we call “realistic” by thinking about my experiences in the greater scheme
of life. I now realize I’m scared of vulnerability and I’m robbing myself of
gratitude and joy. Here I am thinking
that I’m preparing myself for the worst, but I’m actually withholding joy offered in the present moment. What I could be consuming my thoughts of with gratitude,
I’m instead crippled by the “what if” of disaster.
Most recently, adding to my excitement, is marrying
the man of my dreams. At times it doesn’t seem real. Too good to be true. I get to marry this person?! It all seems
so dreamy, illusory at some points. In my mind, to counteract this
“unrealness”, at times I’ve resorted to catastrophe thinking.
What if it doesn’t
work out?
What if something
happens to our family?
What if he gets in a
car accident?
What if one of us gets
really sick?
What if World War III erupts?
-will he have to enlist?
What if a bad storm
causes a tree to fall on our house?
What if I become
paralyzed?
-will be stay together
if I’m paralyzed or do we have a better shot if he is paralyzed?
SERIOUSLY.
And the list goes
on....
What I’ve found is that these statements are an excuse for me
not to walk in vulnerability. Because vulnerability would say that these things
could happen, but maybe they won’t.
Vulnerability is being in the space of unknowing. This is where our anxiety is
driven from as well. I see parents who won’t let their kids chew gum because of
choking, jump on a trampoline because of broken bones, and drive a car because
of drunk drivers. While all of this is understandable, I don’t believe it’s all
necessary. We can spend our whole lives in this mindset, and the best place at
that point for us and our families to be is in a padded room for life. Because
nothing bad can happen there right?
But that’s not living.
Vulnerability allows for gratitude and joy to blossom. While
we walk the line of tragedy, we also allow good into our lives. Joy is not
possible without the option of catastrophe. There would simply be nothing to
compare it to in order to explain it.
Instead of thinking of all the bad things that could occur
in a situation, we can adapt the mindset of being thankful for every
opportunity we are given. We can have joy in the present moments just by having
gratitude. Then, our joy is not riding on the outcome of our experiences, but
the thankfulness we display through them.
I find this principle of cultivating gratitude and joy
through vulnerability to be life changing and life sustaining. In the moments
where I am able to live in this way, yes there are many times I’m not, I feel
freer to give and freer to love. And as I walk down the aisle next summer
stepping closer to the man of my dreams, I can walk with joy and gratitude,
knowing that whatever happens in life, it’s going to be okay.
