Cultivating Self-Compassion

“All I want is your best, Ali. That’s all you can do.” Those were the words of my father as I navigated my way through AP Calculus one year.  I witnessed some of my other classmates excel at calculus from the beginning as I struggled to hover above a C. I wanted to quit. If I didn’t get it by then...well, I just wasn’t going to get it.  I’m not smart. People think I’m not qualified to be in this class. I’m not good enough. Those were the thoughts ringing in my head after I laid eyes on all the red marks over my tests. My parents never did put pressure on me to excel, it was my own perfectionism that did. The belief that If I don’t do this perfect, I am not good enough.

I never thought I was a perfectionist until I began to understand that perfectionism is highly correlated with shame.  Shame is manifested in perfectionism because when we fail to do something perfect, instead of blaming the faulty logic of perfectionism, we blame ourselves—therefore perpetuating the cycle of shame: trying to meet a certain standard but never quite making the cut. AP Calculus was just a snapshot of the relationship between shame and perfectionism. As an adult now, I can look back and understand how my battle with a serious eating disorder was manifested in this shame. Shame of who I was and where I’d been. I’d come to believe that my whole life was a mistake because it didn’t seem like I could do “anything right”.  I had all these standards or “rules” in my head that I had to live by, and when I would miss the mark (which was frequent because the standards were often faulty), I would then start to believe that my inability to do something was rooted in who I was as a person. It’s like failing a test and saying “I’m dumb” instead of “I wasn’t well prepared for this exam.”

The biggest issue with this shame is that is multiplies in every aspect of life that we give it.  And sometimes it comes subtly and sometimes it comes in what Brene Brown likes to call a “shame storm.” It’s when our actions contradict our intentions and we start to believe that we are a bad person because of it. I find myself in these more frequently as someone who is preparing for marriage. With a past of dealing with shame, I am aware that I am more prone to shame storms because I expect that I will function and behave a certain way. When I consistently fail at this (and relationships have this way of showing us who we really are), it is easy for me to sink back in shame.  The beliefe that, The reason my partner is hurt is because of me; therefore, I am not good enough to make this person happy. This is a thought I wish I could say I could fight and conquer more often than I actually do.

So. Shame. Perfectionism. How to break the cycle?

The answer is self-compassion. Being kind and compassionate towards yourself. Loving yourself.  I once heard a statistic that 80% of our self-talk is negative. We are often our own worst critics and commentators.  I’ve also heard that if we are mindful enough of reducing that to 50%, it can change how we see the world and even function.

When I was battling an eating disorder I hung a baby picture of myself on the mirror. Every time I would look at myself in the mirror and speak poorly I would also being saying that to the little girl, who just happened to be me. We would never look at a three-year old and tell her she was ugly and fat. Why would I be any different?  I will eventually have my own little boy or girl and they will stand in front of me and ask if they are beautiful or if they have what it takes. And I will remember the little girl inside of me who asks the same questions. And I will repeat and assure and affirm that yes, yes ,and yes to all of the above.

 In times where I’ve been in shame storms, being told over and over again in my mind that I am not enough, I have to fight to say to myself that I am. God is enough. And trying my best is good enough. Making mistakes at work does not make me a bad social worker or mean that I didn’t care enough; it means that I am human and I make mistakes. It does not change my character.

Sometimes I think we must wake up and say to our self that showing up is good enough today. Sometimes our presence and our heart is all that is required. I’ve found that in my relationship with God. Instead of waiting to have things all together to go to God, I hear him saying, “Just come. Give me what you have. It’s enough.”

And so with that I’ll say this: Be kind to the little girl or boy inside of you. Speak tenderly and learn to love them just as you would any other little one.