Cultivating Authenticity

Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. They way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you really need to do, in order to have what you want.

-Margaret Young

Personality tests.  Ugh. A love-hate relationship really. It’s exciting to learn about myself, but I always struggle answering hundreds of hypothetical questions and rating how strongly I agree with certain statements. I constantly have to navigate “is this how I want to be or is this how I am?” The disconnect between those questions is daunting. I want to be the person that would answer honestly in any situation, but is that really what I would do if my life was on the line? Do my actions reflect who I think I am? If we are being honest with ourselves I believe the answer is often no.

The Enneagram is one of my favorite personality tests that explains how certain personalities navigate through pain. It then places these personalities in a “needs” statement. I am an 8...for all the Enneagram guroos. My type is “The Challenger”, “the need to be against.” I absolutely hate it. I essentially want control because 8s stem from the belief that its unsafe to be weak and vulnerable. Being “against” people gives me a sense of control because I don’t feel like I am just “giving in”. I’m standing up for myself. I find myself taking the opposite side in virtually every area of life. I received an award at the end of my undergraduate schooling that was titled, “Most likely to disagree with the professor.” Doesn’t get much clearer than that. It’s taken me a while to accept this part of myself. I really want to be a 7, the fun loving, crazy, need for adventure type. I don’t want to be known for just disagreeing with people and needing control! That’s terrible! I took the tests several times over the course of different phases of life. I tried experimenting with my answers to see if I could get a 7. Didn’t happen. I’ve had to accept that I am an 8, not a 7. The day I faced the fact that I do have a desire for control of my environment, it was as if I was free to be myself. The disconnect between who I am and who I wanted to be became smaller...I was being honest with myself. Accepting who I was, this is just a minor example, was the start of forming deep connections with other people.

As a young woman, I take this time in my life seriously to be mindful of forming habits and practices that I want to carry with me throughout my lifetime. Being authentic is one of my top mindful activities.  I have a dear friend who is the sweetest, kindest, most gentle human being to walk the earth. Gracefully tiptoe the earth actually.  She's the first to offer someone a massage or assist in dishes. She puts the people around her at ease because of her gentle spirit. I, on the other hand, stumble through the door dropping whatever is in my hands and fall in the family dog's potty training accident on the floor. I am not graceful and I am generally pretty tense. There are people who tiptoe gracefully through life as a choreographed dance and then there are those who stumble and not only break a nail, but their face. You are either one or the other. I have tried the "graceful dance" many times, but my true self eventually shows. So I eventually just gave up and started accepting that I'm a little more high strung and have trouble sleeping at night. And that's okay. I had to learn to allow others to see this side of me... the authentic, real me. I say this because without authenticity—being our true selves—we are incapable of having deep, fulfilling, and lasting relationships. If I only put out a version of myself that I think other people will accept, they will not truly like me, but fall for the superficial version of myself, therefore leaving me just as lonely as I would be without them.

Authenticity, by no means, is claiming a posture of “I don’t care what people think.” Because when we take that mindset we are not becoming immune to just hurt, but also to love and connection. Cultivating authenticity is a dance. It’s learning the rhythm of vulnerability with exposing our true selves, yet not robbing us of true connection.

So here is my charge: Spend more time becoming who you really are rather than pretending to be someone your not.

Invite your true self over for dinner. And get to know that person.